Awkward Doctor

Of course, this story would not be complete without loads of hitches.  So let’s go!  These dating sites weird me out.  Maybe I’ve just seen too many Lifetime movies and have become a Nervous Nellie.  Regardless, it’s better to be safe than sorry right?  I Google the name of the doctor and to my dismay I cannot find him.  The last name he gave me is actually the name of a blood disorder in his field.  This doesn’t bother me too much since I figure he’s just trying to protect himself- fair enough.  I try to get it out of him before meeting up but he doesn’t budge.  Sirens start blaring in my head.  I have MAJOR trust issues thanks to my ex.  Is this guy even a doctor?  Is he just saying this to get dates from the site?  He agrees, however, to show me his work ID when we meet.  He doesn’t know me very well.  Luckily, I have friends in high places as well as super spy detective skills.  A girlfriend of mine used to work in the hospital where he works.  She told me what the ID looks like and to text his name to her so she can look him up in a database and see if he checks out.

He asks me to meet him at a coffee bar on the Upper West Side.  I turn the GPS on my cell phone because a girl can never be too sure.  I text him that I am there.  He says he is five minutes away.  He’s here.  Where?  He tells me the coffee bar six blocks away.  What?!  I tell him where I am and he says he will be there in five minutes.  He’s here, where am I?  I tell him I’m wearing a black coat, red handbag and am sitting towards the front.  Next thing I know he has sidled up to me and says hi.  I turn to face him and he is obviously struck by my beauty.  I’m not being sarcastic or conceited since he continuously tells me how much prettier I am in person than my picture.   Anyone that knows me knows that I do not take compliments very well probably due to years of torment in grammar school but that’s another story.  

We proceed to the bar where he orders a hot chocolate and I order a café au lait.  He’s never heard of this before and I tell him it’s just a fancy name for coffee with hot milk.  He explains that he can’t drink alcohol because he suffers from cluster headaches.  I tell him that is fine since I have to drive home.  He then starts to bombard me with questions.  Riddle me this!  Didn’t I take the subway?  Where’s my car?  Why didn’t I drive to the UWS to meet him?  I could have parked,  it would have only cost me two dollars.  Whoooa, this is why being single sometimes makes me happy;  I don’t have to answer to anybody, except my little dictators that is.  He notices my grimace and backs off just as I was stealthily reaching for my phone to send out an SOS.  He begins to explain why he is so private and delves into a long, dramatic story of how he somehow became entangled in an affair with a married woman at work.  I guess his quota for talking was up by then because he became pretty quiet after that.  The rest of that hour in the coffee bar consisted of a lot of staring, quiet, and me trying to stimulate conversation.  At one point I was actually just twirling my swivel seat from side to side while staring at him with a stupid smile plastered on my face!  I ask him if he is tired, he is a resident and I know how hard that can be.  He wonders why I ask this.  I tell him he is just very quiet and I thought that might be the reason.  He says maybe I’ve just never met anyone like him before.  OK, this guy is strange.  I agree to take a walk with him; I figure the fresh air and change of scenery might help.  It does slightly.  As we get to the door I hesitate to see if he will open it for me, he doesn’t.  No bueno. 

The minute we get outside he starts talking about a basketball player who had recently shot to fame and has basically had a language created around his name.  I tell him I’m familiar with him but don’t know too much since I do not follow sports.  Awkward doctor proceeds to tell me all about this athlete and why he is so phenomenal.  He points out a building and tells me that is where he lives.  Hmmm, I know where this is going.  I smile and say that’s nice.  We turn the corner and arrive at the entrance of the building.  Would you like to come up?  No, thank you.  Why not?  I just met you.  Well, if you come up I will show you this superstar athlete.  Oh really, is he upstairs?  No, I’m going to show you.  Where, on the computer?  I can look him up on YouTube that’s ok.  Why won’t you go up?  Nothing is going to happen, I might kiss you but I promise we will keep our clothes on.  Nope, nah uh, no way, not gonna happen buddy.  Awkward doctor gets even more awkward.  He says he doesn’t know what to do next.  I jokingly ask if he’s ever been out with anyone before.  He laughs and says he has and would I like him to walk me to the subway.  Thankfully that is only a few blocks away.  We get there and chat a little more.  Awkward doctor then gives me a hug.  Aww, that was nice.  We talk a little more, then another hug.  This time as awkward doctor pulls away he swoops in for the kill.  I feel like he is checking to see if I’ve still have my tonsils-with his tongue!  He pulls away and tells me I have soft lips, and he’s back.  There’s that exam again.  Holy, this guy’s not playing!  Mind you we are right on Broadway outside a major subway station.  This last kiss leaves me a little wobbly.  He may be strange and invasive but he’s a damn good kisser.  He asks me to let him know when I’ve arrived at home and we part.  I can still feel the pressure of his tongue in my mouth when I get uptown.  I’m not sure if that’s good or not, but I think I might need some mouthwash.

The subway ride back to my car consists of my alerting various friends and family that I am alive and well.  I was not dragged by some whacko to his apartment where he conducted experiments on my body as some co-workers had predicted.  My wing woman Kim got back to me with her research results and Awkward Doctor checks out.  Ok so that meet and greet was a little weird.  That’s what I’ve decided to call these, meet and greets, after all that is what you’re doing, it’s like an interview, if you pass you get to go on a date.  I don’t have much else to compare it with I’ve only been on one other official date, so I decide to give him another chance if he asks.  Maybe he was nervous, after all doctors are just nerds with a big paycheck.  They don’t all shed their nerdy awkwardness once they graduate medical school. 

Suddenly Dan pops into my head.  Why haven’t I heard from him?  I’m feeling a little cocky after being orally attacked by this doctor.  What’s Dan’s deal anyway?!  Screw those texting rules!  What do I have to lose?  If he’s not interested he just won’t respond.  I have a funny little thing I do (by the way I happen to think that I am the funniest person on the planet, I laugh at my own jokes-like tears running down my face hysterics) when I don’t get a response from a guy after a while I will send him one word “crickets.”  It’s like when you watch a stand-up act and the audience isn’t laughing at the jokes, they say you hear crickets in the audience.  So that’s what I decide to text Dan, crickets.  To my surprise he responds right away!  He said he thinks he likes me.  I mistakenly read this as you think like me.  Dumb, I know, but I was excited by getting ANY response I read it too quickly.  Anywho, he sends me another text saying we should meet.  Do I want to be spontaneous and meet him now?  Ohhhhhhh boyyyyyy, smh.  The old Mona would have turned right around and gotten back on the subway and met him.  New, cocky, rule book reading Mona says, “No, don’t go running to him!”  “But new Mona, I’m not as strong as you.  When do I have a free night with a sitter?  And I’m already in the city!  I took a chance and texted him and he wants to meet ME!  I’m on a roll, getting kissed by Awkward Doctor and now Dan wants to meet me.  C’mon, PLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!!”   No no no no no no, be strong you’ve done this before and where has it gotten you?  Nowhere!  I tell him I am all the way uptown and headed home.  He responds by saying we are on a small island he’s on Bond Street having sushi.  Ah ha!  I had sushi for dinner with Kim.  Now’s my chance to turn on the sass!  I respond cooly that I had sushi for dinner-smiley face.  Crickets again.  Oh well, maybe Dan’s not meant to be.  Who does he think I am anyway running to his side at his beck and call! I’m going home.

Once I get home I have to make the obligatory telephone calls to my girls and tell them all about the meet and greet.  They all think it sounds kind of strange but chalk it up to nerves and hesitantly agree that I should probably go out with him again.  As I’m getting into bed Awkward Doctor texts me and asks me out again.  I say yes but the details remain a little iffy.  We are not available at the same time.  The book says you should only give men two options and let them pick one.  I did that and was trying to stick to it.  He left the ball in my court and I went to bed figuring we would work it out since it was only Wednesday. 

I fill my sister, Jasmine, in on everything the following morning.  She says if she were to pull the kind of stunts Awkward Doctor did last night she would not even be considered for a second date!  Hmmm, maybe he smelled my desperation I thought I put on enough Michael Kors perfume to cover that up. . .  I start to tell her about Dan.  She thinks he sounds like a douche.  Don’t judge me but I have a little secret, well it’s kind of a big secret.  I’m kind of attracted to douches.  I know, I know, they’re douches.  It’s something about the way they carry themselves, they have a certain confidence that is very attractive to me.  Here is a guy who believes, or appears to believe, there is nothing he cannot do and when I’m around that I believe there is nothing I cannot do.  I also feel like every girl wants him, he could have any girl but he chose ME.  The douche also represents a challenge to me.  I am not the kind of girl that they are used to being around.  They like the trophy type who doesn’t have much going on upstairs if you know what I mean.  I’m attractive, not necessarily the trophy type, but I can hold my own.  I also happen to have a brain.  My favorite thing about these guys is our banter.  They don’t expect someone who looks like me to talk to them at the same level.  They expect me to melt at their feet.  Trust me I’m melting on the inside but they will never see that.  The better the banter the harder I fall.  Dan and I have great banter.  Plus the fact that Jasmine thinks he is a douche makes me want him even more.  I show her his picture and say but he’s hoooooooott, he looks like Dan Cortese.  She takes one look and asks what’s up with you and McConaughey?  Excuse me?  Baking powder?  She says he looks like Matthew McConaughey.  Her eyes widen, oh boy she just realized her mistake.  I take another look.  He does look like Matthew McConaughey!!!!  She sees the look of pure joy and love on my face and says, “Forget McConaughey.”  But I can’t.